Dear Mr Khamenei.
As you may already know, we recently informed the USA infidels that we were declaring war on them, as we don't want to be accused of "sneak attacks" and "terrorism" again. We have pride!
You wouldn't believe what happened next. Instead of the US government bombing the crap out of us, we received two quite weird letters. It turns out that the US military is divided almost exactly 50/50 on whether they want an eternal Trump dictatorship or a democracy. This has caused a secret split in military command, and both camps are jockeying to get military personal to join their camp. Neither side has confidence it will win, and as a result, BOTH factions independently contacted me, asking if we could fight on their side against the other. Apparently they think we are like the Gurkhas, given that we've been able to hold back the US military for 20 fucking years. They apparently don't understand that that was only possible because of safe bases in Pakistan, which could have easily been destroyed by the US military had they chosen to invade Pakistan.
At first we thought it was a trap. There was no fucking way the American people would support a dictatorship. But then this happened. The US House voted 282-138 to reject an objection. Meaning a whopping 33% of US politicians were still angling for a Trump dictatorship even after the storming of the US Capitol by "peaceful protesters" (ha ha, I love it when Americans say that). The US military tends to be more Republican-leaning, so that 33% of politicians could well translate into 50% of US military personnel. No-one actually knows for sure, because no-one wants to tip their hand until the fighting actually starts. Even individual squads are expected to turn their weapons on each other. We actually saw the same thing in Iraq, where families were split, and pro-democracy brother would report insurgent brother. If the US government had any brains, they would quickly order all US military (who are unreliable) to get out of the US, perhaps by invading Canada, or simply move them to Europe/Sudan/Libya and then call in European NATO troops and planes to defend US democracy, as there is absolutely 0 support for a Trump dictatorship in NATO. But the US will never think of that, or even be willing to swallow their pride to do that.
Another interesting factor is that the US military swears an oath to uphold the US Constitution, which is a nebulous concept. Both Trump and Biden swear that THEY are the ones upholding the constitution! So the US military is utterly confused as to who they are supposed to be following. What they SHOULD have sworn allegiance to is "the free world".
Anyway, we've already written back to BOTH sides, saying "sure thing", but obviously what we're really planning on doing is fielding forces on both sides to ensure military parity so that both sides will completely destroy each other. We'll also be doing "false flag" attacks on US civilians to stir up hatred to ensure a TOTAL WAR.
When the US has wiped itself out, suddenly the so-called "free world" will lose the global security umbrella that they operate under, and they have no ability to replace it. No more patrols of the Taiwan Strait to protect Taiwan. Nothing. And that's when the world Islamic revolution can step into the vacuum.
You know, it's unfucking believable that you guys have an official slogan of "Death to USA" and are developing nuclear weapons, and the Americans (both Republican and Democrat, multiple administrations) haven't thought to themselves "shouldn't we be toppling this regime before we get struck by a nuke?". When you guys downed that US drone in international airspace, giving the Americans a casus belli (if that was even needed!) to go to war with the objective of regime-change, I thought for sure Trump would jump at the opportunity. But all he thought of doing was some punitive air strikes (which he didn't even carry out). Good grief. Where do these people learn their military strategy from? They're scared of their own fucking shadow!
It's funny that Paul Wolfowitz had everything planned out after 9/11, including toppling your regime. It only took 3.5 weeks and 100 US lives to take out Saddam's regime and I was expecting the Americans to IMMEDIATELY turn east into Iran, which then would have only taken ANOTHER 3.5 weeks and another 100 US lives to reach Tehran. They had a large Iraq/Iran border that they could cross at any time. But then I was SHOCKED when they disbanded the old Iraqi security forces, when all they needed to do was PAY them, and they would have been perfectly happy to work for "new management" whether that was an American dictator or an Iraqi dictator or an Iraqi council designed to usher in so-called "democracy". Dumbasses. How naive can you be? Instead they took over security responsibility themselves, and it took fucking ages to train new Iraqi replacements.
One interesting thing to come out of Iraq was that we finally saw the results of opinion polls, which showed that only 5% of Iraqis had been successfully brainwashed into supporting Saddam, despite the fact that Saddam had been getting 100% of the vote in a SECRET FUCKING BALLOT. I'm sure that won't happen in Iran though, as I'm sure 100% of Iranians genuinely support your regime! Giggle! :-)
Anyway, I'm writing to you because I am proposing we put aside that whole Sunni/Shia mixup for now, and concentrate on taking out the infidels. Assuming you're willing, you can provide troops and ships to take both us and your own forces to the US, to take part in the Second US Civil War. Let us know what you think. Mum's the word! :-) Oh yeah, one last thing. I know some people think it would be strategic to wait until Iran actually has a nuclear shield before striking out, but I disagree. I think we should seize this opportunity and strike while the iron is hot.